I want to know two things, and by want to know, I mean please don’t answer either of the following questions because I couldn’t possibly care less:

1. Who the fuck are the Jonas Brothers and why does everyone care so damn much?  I read something about one of them giving a promise ring to his girlfriend and threw up all over my computer.  I hate America.

2. Seriously, does anyone else notice that “Twilight,” which is apparently some series of books about Mormon vampires and now the number one movie in the universe forever, came out of FUCKING NOWHERE?  One minute I was enjoying my life, and the next Cedric Diggory is sitting on his giant pile of cash and monopolizing my issues of “Entertainment Weekly.”  I worked in publishing for three years – 1.5 of those years in children’s publishing – and I hadn’t heard of this ridiculous nonsense until about 2 months ago.

3. Blerg!  When I was your age, we had underaged Mouseketeers gyrating in a high school hallway wearing only a cardigan and a maxi pad!  I guess now that Britney (who is my age) has had two kids, I’m officially decrepit.  Now where’s my Metamucil?